It didn’t come in like a wrecking ball, nor a tsunami of emotions. It wasn’t one of those over-dramatised drunken, rainy nights, alone. There were people, lights, noise, action. Friends, laughter and food filled the room.

Yet somehow, it snucked in. Like a mangy, soggy cat with sad eyes on the aforementioned rainy night. And I, silly me, turned a blind eye thinking it was nothing.

It started with the small details – that earring that vaguely resembled an arrow, that sudden, barking laughter of amusement – right before the quiet, that silence in the storm of festivities, kicked in.

It, was there.

Gripping those memories in an unnoticed clenched fist.
Tasting the bitter bile in your throat, swallowing in vain.
Breathing through empty lungs, the occasional heartbeat skips.
Seeing flashes of colours, a unique essence, supposedly forgotten.
As the hurricane swept, memories flew. Friends, laughter and food.

WE were there. Once upon a time. We, us, in that world.

A sudden release – the hunger, the anger, the loss – this time like a wrecking ball and eventually, awareness. Ah, the sweet trigger of reality.

A sudden itch on the arm, a blast of cold air from the vent.
That heated argument in the corner of the room, the polite nods.
Feeling the needles on my soles, a dazed blink of an eye.
The recognition of frost on those summer days.

Noises, similar, but different, then and now. Friends, laughter and food.

I, am here. Now.

I still miss you, but once again, all is well.

DearHeart, My Life

Broken Promises

“Today, for sure” I promised.
“Just one moment…,” an interruption.
“Sorry, but can you…,” an intervention.
“Have you seen my email…,” a phone buzz.
“Thank you, I’ll leave you to it…,” hope arises.
“Oh wait, but…,” nope, not happening.
“NOW!” she demands.
*Ring ring* goes the phone.
“Maybe tomorrow,” I whisper.

.

That moment when you realise that you’ve somehow managed to step off the edge. Again. And now you’re stuck, clinging and barely holding on. Just beyond, the sirens sing – beckoning, urging. Above and below; two parties of warring suggestions.

And you wonder, if it’s all right to let go and drop to the unknown or if it’s safer to claw your way back up.

One voice, soothing and calming. Singing of adventures unknown.
The other, firm and rational. Sharing lore from experiences past.

Your thoughts darts back and forth, a previously forgotten pulse races. One moment clinging, the next, fighting. And truth is, you’re torn.

Because you know deep inside that whichever happens, you’ll say it is okay. That you made the right choice. That it’s for the best. Yet, you’ll know – in that one shadow of your mind, the other voice remains. Reminding, wondering, encouraging. And you know you’d secretly wished you had picked the other.

Risk the climb, or let go and fall.

Dear heart, what says you?

I remember those days when I used to sit at my favourite seat beside the window, nursing a cooling cup of coffee. The slight strain of RnB music streams faintly from the pub a couple of shops down. Sighing, as I went back to work – trying my best to focus in the balmy breeze.

I remember those days when the sun was scorching hot. And panting, we ran across the street for a join the queue for an iced drink. Whining, as we find our way to some shade under the awning of a nearby restaurant.

I remember those days, when it was warm and humid. Friends and more friends around. Taunting, laughing, encouraging… just minutes before they tossed me into the pool. Anger, annoyance, fear, as I somehow waded my way out.

I remember those days, when cash wasn’t easily available. When we’d wander the malls, window shopping for hours, trying to buy time before we caught up with the other half of our group who were still stuck in classes. We’d walk past fancy restaurants serving RM10 tea and wonder, how could they spend that easily.

I remember those days, when I didn’t have to think about ‘those’ days.

I miss.

Sometimes I really wonder…

Is it like a safe harbour, for visiting ships?

Some, like clockwork (weather permitting) returning somewhat regularly, a familiar hull, easing it’s way into the embrace of calm waters. A quick trade and then leaving with the high tide, only to reappear the next season.

Some, appearing with the storm. Swift and sudden. Repairs, necessity, need. And then just like that they leave, never to be seen again.

Then there’s some, who appear in the distance. Decked out in warm cheery lights. Welcoming, beckoning – simply looking for a safe haven and a good night’s company. A calm comfortable presence that eases in and out. Comfort, a familiar face.

And then there are those ones. The ones we’d rather not acknowledge. Regret, disappointment, ignorance and naïveté. Sailing in with all sails furled, flags raised. Charming, different, enigma. And then sneaking out in the middle of the night, quiet and slick. Leaving bills unpaid, hearts broken.

That jerk.

Nevertheless one thing stays the same. In the end, they all leave, setting sail for bluer seas. A quiet hush then falls over town. The harbour quiets down. And then we wait. Wait for the next ship to sail in.

It’s been 3 months since the last post.

Oops.